Mullet MadJack has itself a detractor in the neophyte YouTuber PotaTOOM, whose machine is limited in power and thus gravitates toward Doom Mods and such. He is a reigning authority on whether you’re better off mod mixing in GZDoom or paying cash for something you are positive won’t be abject drivel.

“Lesson learned,” he said. “Do not trust any reviews until you tried it yourself.”

I will not offer up a link that will ultimately eat away at your time. Under the Mayo, Gmanlives (one of the veterans of throwback/Doom mod gaming), and Jarek the Gaming Dragon ought to be ashamed for not telling or showing us straight-up the game’s vapidity.

“The best game I’ve played when I don’t want to think,” adds PotaTOOM, who claims to have been ill and opted out of a voice-over (he didn’t start his channel with his own voice, using AI-generated speech scripts at first; he’s thankfully getting better as a channel), but even I would not bother trying.

Among the video’s comments, @jaydaal560 said, “Ayo my favorite game bro it was so fast I started smashing alot [sic] key” (no punctuation either). PotaTOOM replied, “That’s what I literally did spam shift mouse 1 and 2 thats it and on he hardest difficulty

“good thing m friend knows how steam refund works,” he added, “or I lost money about a game that only disappoint us” (note: English is not his native tongue. And no, that doesn’t dampen the impact he has on the discussion.)

I bring this up because I’m entering the cold, dark world of affiliate marketing–passively suggesting a variety of techniques for solving problems, some of which require specialized hardware that theoretically helps save your time–and I have to review products or services with the bare minimum of allowable bias (you can never be completely unbiased). If I get you to bite on one item, take a link to a storefront for ordering either that or some other things, I can only pray you don’t write back claiming I’m a total liar.

Your time is more valuable to me than whether I’ll earn a dime from your trouble. I cannot engage in a complete conflict of interest. If I listed this in a “5 Retro FPS” post (no, they aren’t being rated or weighed between one or the other–just mentioned with links if you’re interested), I would say straight-up: “Mullet MadJack is mind-numbingly simple and ruinously pretentious, but still a fast play with best intentions and fair production values.” Verdict blurbs would suggest you receive it through a bundle, massive discount, or go yo-ho-ho-matey all over its pretty little face if you’re as offended as PotaTOOM was disappointed.

I can only hope the critics didn’t have affiliate links to it–they’d be on my hitlist right after. I’d be infuriated if I bought this. If they paraded around passive advertising links so companies don’t spend as much cash on renting ad space, I will have clutched their throats and refused to relinquish my grips. Gushing over smoke and mirrors isn’t even Google–Google actually produces services that are not only usable more or less (the search engine took a swan dive into the sand, though), but also, one thing: these posers don’t provide any services! It’s like, “I have a life! I have things to do.” I have a large catalog of GOG.COM games I haven’t even gotten to. I’ve been busy and have more important things to do to get anywhere with my business.

This would have been cool if it was a first-person Hotline Miami situation, where you have to get in fast and, once the bullets start pouring, pray you nix every last one before you’re struck even once. In Hotline, you have to get the jump and know where they’ll pop up next. Maybe that would get a bit nauseating. How about this: if you jitter and wiggle your mouse and convulse all over the place, you will lessen your player’s action/reaction time invariably and perceptively, enough to get caught in the middle of trying to do something and getting picked off with extreme prejudice. Something like that–straight from Will Harvey’s The Immortal, in fact–and the big issue is that you have to steer, brake, or gas, but not all three at once.

(And no sudden-dash-ten-feet-in-a-burst bullshit. Slick, did you ever suffer plantar fasciitis in your life? You can’t just get up and go full-sprint when each step hurts and muscle/circulatory-based analgesics can’t touch it.)

Practically anything could have fixed the apparent sensory-overload-slash-minimalist-input boredom that PotaTOOM suffered through. I watched the footage and couldn’t decipher the objective–just “kill dude, get three seconds’ time back from your life”. Really? Criticizing the Anime chick with katana is the precursor of being hit by lightning under clear blue skies, or perhaps a horse getting dropped from a plane from about 5,000′ (especially if you were playing Trail of Cthulhu), but this game is not some throwback to the eighties and nineties as thinking so implies that the eighties and nighties didn’t know how to design a video game.

If I ever recommend a game, it’s more than likely one I stand by and have, in fact, played before–enough to know for sure it’s worth checking out–and I will put it through the rigor of ergonomics and interface, combined with game loop. If they fail to convince me that its packaging has less substance than the game, I will sweetly get to the point in a review and say, “Fuck it. You want to know exactly why? Keep going; there’s a link, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I would not bother meeting deadlines. If games require time to stew before you can judge them honestly, then my reviews are going to be a year late or something. Being that I am on primitive hardware, I’m not too keen on the latest-and-greatest–just the things that are somewhat recent that someone who deliberately skips out on hype trains will still want to know more about. And I’ll be perfectly fair for their sake, as it is my case as well.

In short, never buy into the hype. While you’re at it, go check out PotaTOOM right now–time is running right the fuck out!

Anyway, after the hunt, take a load off.

Good hunting!